Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
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“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Accurate
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
The best plant holders?
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.