To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
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Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.