A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
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The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes