Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
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Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
May have had one breakfast too many
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!