I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
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[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.