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Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.