Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
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Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I’m not wrong
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.