Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
You Might Also Like
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.