do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
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death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.