You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
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I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.