Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
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The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you