Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
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[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*