Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
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Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
This is my brand.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown