Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
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Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Perfection.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?