I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
You Might Also Like
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer