Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
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Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Camping tip: No.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
was Jim off killing horses or…
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.