If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
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Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.