person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
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*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.