My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
You Might Also Like
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
You had me at “define legal”.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything