*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
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Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”