When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
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Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
i want to work in this restaurant
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭