“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
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🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.