Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
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i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off