Note to self: I am a note
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Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
just leave it at the foot of the bed
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.