A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
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was Jim off killing horses or…
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
when someone rings the doorbell
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid