[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
You Might Also Like
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
quarantine day 3
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids