The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
You Might Also Like
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
My Sentiments Exactly
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you