I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
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[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Seals are just dog mermaids.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber