In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
You Might Also Like
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
i’m laughing very hard in real life
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*