I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
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If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.