I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
You Might Also Like
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
This kid is going places
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
How do you milk an almond?
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.