My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
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Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.