5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
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Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”