The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
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“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.