No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
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Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”