We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
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Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
live, laugh, laundry.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan