Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
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Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
🤣dope
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”