Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
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Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.