zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
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Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?