[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
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“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.