Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
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90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”