Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
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*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Yes, but it was never about money
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.