*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
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I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
same vibe as tangled headphones
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.