Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
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He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Not😆🤣
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you