Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”