For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
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If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.