your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
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If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?