When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
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Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.