[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
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my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
twitter users today:
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man