[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
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You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Autocarrot sucks!
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.